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12/31/20 New Years Eve
by LastBestPlace 03 Jan '21

03 Jan '21

It's 7:30am on the last day of 2020. This is my 12th day at the slopes of this ski season, heading up to Whitefish Mountain. In the dark I get the car loaded up with gear and start the nearly hour drive. It's been really busy this holiday week -- lot's of cars with plates from Washington and California in search of a place to ski, and I expect today to be no different with the crowds. The drive up is dark, slowly getting lighter thru heavy clouds and snow is falling, and I've got the tunes cranked up with the Cowboy Junkies singing "Cheap is How I Feel". I have such a fabulous commute going to "work". Today will be different, though. Sally gave me a Christmas present of new ski pants, which finally arrived the day before. These are Arc'teryx -- really good quality pants!! -- replacing my old baggy Costco pants. These were desperately needed in order to allow me ski up the hill. Last season, with great help from Sally, I invested in backcountry skis. Whitefish allows skinning up the hill on two designated routes, and this will be my first time up this season. Skin up; ski down. Avoid the crowded lift lines. I've only done the Benny Up route so far, and today is no different. The Base Lodge is at 4700 feet and the summit is at 6790 feet, so 2090 feet gain over roughly 1.5 miles, with skis, ski equipment, and a backpack just to add some weight. The goal is to get up to the summit before the lunch rush, get a table inside and have a slice of pepperoni pizza -- my humble opinion is that this provides the most calories for the buck of any item on the menu. After the climb I don't care about quality calories :-) I made it to the Spruce parking lot around 8:30 the lot was about 80% full. It's gonna be really crowded. By the time I get the gear on and get started, it is about 9am. The Chair 6 lift line at the Base Lodge is busy. I'm going slow, making adjustments and taking a layer off, so about 20 minutes later I'm above Chair 1 and it's line is the longest I've ever seen (since I avoid going to ski on busy days). The chair opens at 9:30, so it's still another 10 minutes before that line will be moving. The view going up. I'm roasting and sweating already. The route is easy to follow since a lot of people have already gone up. There are a fair amount of locals who go up and ski down before they go to work. There's about 5 inches of new powder, and probably only the ski patrol has enjoyed it so far. The route crosses under the Chair 1 a couple times, and every chair is now occupied. Getting near white out conditions heading up. I've got my bicycle tail light on the front of my backpack. There is a risk, especially with tourists on rental skis out of control, of a collision in bad visibility, so hopefully the light gives them a warning and not a target. The final crossing under the lift. This is close to the top, and the steepest portions are behind me. I'm pretty coated in sweat by now, and the muscles are all tired. About 10 people passed me on the way; sadly I passed none. The Summit House. I made it! The end justifies the means. The skiing down was uneventful, except that my legs were really, really tired. I'm expecting if I do this once a week it will get easier and faster. It is an awesome workout for this old pour pensioner taking up a new sport.

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labor humor
by LastBestPlace 24 Dec '20

24 Dec '20

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can’t feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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Four Husband humor
by LastBestPlace 20 Dec '20

20 Dec '20

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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pilot humor
by LastBestPlace 12 Dec '20

12 Dec '20

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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bucket humor
by LastBestPlace 11 Dec '20

11 Dec '20

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said . . . . . . .I'm here to feed the alligator.

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cat humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Nov '20

30 Nov '20

A man had to go on a business trip for two weeks and asked his brother to watch his cat for him while he was gone. After a couple of days the man on the trip called his brother and asked how the cat was doing. "Bad news," said his brother. "It got loose, got on the roof, fell off, and died." "What, are you crazy," the man exclaimed. "How could you tell me such bad news so abruptly? You should have broken it to me gently." "What do you mean," the brother said. "You should have told me in stages. You could have told me that the cat had gotten out of the house on this call but you were searching for him. Then on the next call you could have told me the cat was on the roof, but you were trying to get him off of it. On the third call you could have told me the cat fell of the roof, but was at the vet. And finally, you could have told me that the cat had died." "OK, I'll remember that," the brother said. A few days later the business man called his brother and asked him, "how's dad?" "He's gotten out of the house, but we're searching for him."

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Rome humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Nov '20

30 Nov '20

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” "We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!” “United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.” "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.” "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot.. And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!” "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..” "Oh, really! What'd he say?” He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

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speeding humor
by LastBestPlace 30 Nov '20

30 Nov '20

A man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?" "To a lecture," the man responds. "Who gives lectures at this hour?" the policeman wonders. "My wife," he replies.

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Irish/English humor
by LastBestPlace 21 Nov '20

21 Nov '20

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me" The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery; I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued. So, he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them, again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?" The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets!"

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Montana Cowboy humor
by LastBestPlace 21 Nov '20

21 Nov '20

Joke for you... A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."

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