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virus poetry
by LastBestPlace 02 Jul '20

02 Jul '20

From Jan Beaumont https://www.facebook.com/janbeaumontpoetry/ I’m normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can’t go out the gates. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now We need to stay inside If they haven’t seen us for a while They’ll think we’ve upped and died. They’ll never know the things we did Before we got this old There wasn’t any Facebook So not everything was told. We may seem sweet old ladies Who would never be uncouth But we grew up in the 60s – If you only knew the truth! There was sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll The pill and miniskirts We smoked, we drank, we partied And were quite outrageous flirts. Then we settled down, got married And turned into someone’s mum, Somebody’s wife, then nana, Who on earth did we become? We didn’t mind the change of pace Because our lives were full But to bury us before we’re dead Is like red rag to a bull! So here you find me stuck inside For 4 weeks, maybe more I finally found myself again Then I had to close the door! It didn’t really bother me I’d while away the hour I’d bake for all the family But I’ve got no bloody flour! Now Netflix is just wonderful I like a gutsy thriller I’m swooning over Idris Or some random sexy killer. At least I’ve got a stash of booze For when I’m being idle There’s wine and whiskey, even gin If I’m feeling suicidal! So let’s all drink to lockdown To recovery and health And hope this bloody virus Doesn’t decimate our wealth. We’ll all get through the crisis And be back to join our mates Just hoping I’m not far too wide To fit through the flaming gates!

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The Art of Dealing
by LastBestPlace 27 Jun '20

27 Jun '20

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes-Benz dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them. But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model!" "The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." Once again.don't mess with seniors. I love this one.

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06/14/1986 Anniversary Quiz
by LastBestPlace 27 Jun '20

27 Jun '20

There were a number of queries regarding yesterday's anniversary photos. In response to those who asked how many years, Sandy and I compared notes and our best guesses averaged out to 34 years. I thought it might be amusing to see if anyone could correctly answer a few more anniversary related questions with a quiz. Just send any replies to lastbestplace(a)mailmain.ejop.com and if they are funny enough, then as moderator I can send them to the distribution list *Q1: There were helium balloons at the wedding and reception. A large group of people (30+) inhaled helium and sang a song that was familiar to everyone. What are the lyrics to that song? Q2: The car is a 1960 Austin Healey "Bugeye" Sprite. How many people does it take to lift the engine -- empirically proven! -- to this car? * *Q3: Did "Big Geoff" ever successfully sit inside the car as a passenger?* *Q4: Can you describe, in excruciating detail, while during the tender traditional moment of "you may kiss the bride", everyone in attendance EXCEPT SANDY laughed?* *Q5: Was alcohol served at the wedding reception? Can you cite evidence for that response?* *Q6: Why did Einstein make a cameo appearance at the wedding?* ** these are the hard ones ** *Q7: Why was there a long line to the men's bathroom at the reception? Q8: How many people flew from Nepal to the wedding? *

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bear humor
by LastBestPlace 24 Jun '20

24 Jun '20

“A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a wild animal, like a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, had his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary , he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Lords' HOLY WORDs ! But that bear wanted nothing to do withme. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not may not have been the best way to start.””

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Monastery humor
by LastBestPlace 17 Jun '20

17 Jun '20

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, “Are you the friar?” He replied, “No, I’m the chip monk…”

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06/14/20 Last Best Anniversary
by LastBestPlace 15 Jun '20

15 Jun '20

We are so lost!!

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Fwd: Don't mess with old people
by LastBestPlace 13 Jun '20

13 Jun '20

--- I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food, too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.

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06/06/20 Lady and The Scamp
by LastBestPlace 06 Jun '20

06 Jun '20

*Lady and The Scamp *We received delivery of our brand new Scamp 16 Deluxe Travel Trailer <https://www.scamptrailers.com/showroom/16-deluxe-trailers> on Friday!!! It's really, really cool! It had been on our retirement bucket list. We originally planned to drive to Minnesota to the factory and pick it up, but with other house work scheduled this month (chimney demolition) we paid for the delivery charge to have it come to us. The lead time to build one, to our custom order, normally is about 6 months. Ours was delayed an extra month and a half due to an executive edict that declared Scamp was not essential. Same Lady. Same Scamp. While we were checking it out, Nadine mentioned the forecast was for thunderstorms with very high winds and possible inch size hail. Not wanting to leave it outside in elements, we all stood around and watched Sandy push it in to the garage :-) In reality three of us pushed but even with two people on a flat surface it is doable to move it. The bigger question was "Will it fit in the garage?". Carefully checking with a ladder, it cleared the door by one inch just as we had measured and checked against the specs. I'll confess looking up from below I was not convinced it would work, but perhaps I am just height biased. The full size bed. The cushions can come up and be converted in to a table with room for 4 people. The kitchen. Underneath the cover next to the sink is the 2 burner propane stove. The "nook". This table and chairs can be converted into a single bed The bathroom contains not only the throne, but also a shower and sink. Refrigerator with shelf above it. Has a 110 outlet in case we want a microwave there. Full length awning. Our home away from home. Like a new house we are figuring out what we need for it and where to put it. Probably do a few short distance test runs first before really going out on multi day (or week) adventures.

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diamond humor
by LastBestPlace 29 May '20

29 May '20

A woman walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!" "Thank you. This is the Plotnick Diamond. Maybe you have heard of it? Between the Hope Diamond and the Star of India is the Plotnick. It’s 40 carats." Replies the woman. "The Plotnick Diamond. Isn’t that romantic. I would do anything for a diamond like that," says the lady. "Oh no you wouldn’t. The diamond comes with a curse." Replies the woman. "A curse?" asks the lady. "What's the curse?" Sadly the woman answers, "Mr. Plotnick.

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05/29/20 Flattening of the Curve
by LastBestPlace 29 May '20

29 May '20

This time of year it is always a relief to see the curve flattened. I of course am referring to the height of the Middle Fork of the Flathead River. Flooding could occur anytime between mid May to mid June. The closest river monitoring site is on the other side of the golf course, downstream from us, at elevation 3128 feet. Our LastBestPlace home has a basement floor at 3161 feet, first floor at 3169 feet, and 2nd floor at 3177 feet per our elevation certificate required by our FEMA flood insurance. My guess is that at our location, if the river hits 15 feet of height it may reach the house. The river is a federally designated designated "Wild and Scenic" waterway. There are (and never will be) dams on it. so flooding will always be a risk. <https://water.weather.gov/ahps2/river.php?wfo=mso&wfoid=18683&riverid=20399…> Assuming a 15 foot crest reaches the house, looking at the historical data the flood of 1964 with the crest of 36.46 feet would pretty much submerge the entire house! While that can still happen, the conditions of a late season heavy snow, rapid increase in temperature, and a warm storm the dumped an estimated 10 inches of rain in 24 hours make that unlikely.

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