- LastBestPlace - mm4.emwd.com

funeral humor
by LastBestPlace 21 Dec '25

21 Dec '25

Joe passed away; His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

1 0

slow humor
by LastBestPlace 21 Dec '25

21 Dec '25

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of its name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the restaurant employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce very slowly where we are?" The employee leaned over the counter and said: "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

1 0

Christmas season humor
by LastBestPlace 14 Dec '25

14 Dec '25

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. For the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, £ 4 was missing. I think it must have been those halfwits at the Post Office!

1 0

college humor
by LastBestPlace 19 Oct '25

19 Oct '25

Four college guys go on a weekend road trip. They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

1 0

dog food humor
by LastBestPlace 03 Oct '25

03 Oct '25

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at the grocery store and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s behind and a car hit me.

1 0

driving humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Sep '25

07 Sep '25

When the officer walks up to the car, he sees the driver is an eighty-year-old woman with very thick glasses. "Ma'am, why are you driving so slowly on the highway?" he asks. "Why are you mad at me? The speed limit is only ten miles an hour!" she replies angrily, gesturing toward a nearby sign. The officer looks at the sign and sighs. "Ma'am, that sign says 'Highway 10,' not 'Speed Limit 10'." "Oh my goodness!" the driver exclaims, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, officer! I'll look more carefully at the signs, I promise!" The officer nods and glances casually into the backseat, and freezes. Sitting in the backseat are two other women, wide-eyed and pale, barely breathing, their white knuckles gripping the seat as hard as they can. "Are your passengers alright?" he asks. "Oh, they're fine," the driver replies. "We just got off Highway 180."

1 0

judge humor
by LastBestPlace 07 Sep '25

07 Sep '25

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned bastard!" The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

1 0

train humor
by LastBestPlace 31 Aug '25

31 Aug '25

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train... Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fooking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

1 0

dance humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Aug '25

23 Aug '25

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

1 0

moose hunting humor
by LastBestPlace 16 Aug '25

16 Aug '25

Paddy and Mick flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

1 0

2025

2024

2023

2022

2021

2020

LastBestPlace