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old couple humor
by LastBestPlace 11 Aug '25

11 Aug '25

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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wasp humor
by LastBestPlace 10 Aug '25

10 Aug '25

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant, "Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week." The assistant checks the computer and then says, "Certainly. Would you like to listen before you buy it?" The expert replies, "Of course!" The assistant hands him a pair of earphones and puts the record on a turntable near the counter, and turns it on. The expert listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, "I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?" The assistant checks the turntable. "Yes, sir," he says. "This is the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Let me skip ahead to the second track." Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "This just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle to the next track. As soon as the track starts playing, the expert throws off the headphones. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" The expert turns to him, red-faced and fuming. "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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drowning humor
by LastBestPlace 27 Jul '25

27 Jul '25

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out." Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning." The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it." The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God. One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?" She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."

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A short story: Cahill's Curious Campaign
by LastBestPlace 29 Apr '25

29 Apr '25

*Cahill's Curious Campaign *Bill Cahill's family had moved to Grand Rapids, MI in the spring of 1976. Bill was a transfer student as a freshman into West Catholic High School. It was now the third week of September, and he was just a few weeks in to his sophomore year. Most of the students attending there had come from the various parishes in town, each of which had their own grade schools that fed in to the high school. That meant most knew all of the other kids from their feeder school quite well, in addition to the new friends they had made during their freshman year. Bill was still a bit of an outsider since he joined late in the school year, and still at the awkward teenager phase of making new friends. The third week into this new school year was the time for the student class elections. Each grade would elect a president, vice president and treasurer to the student council. September 1976 also had on ongoing national election which generated a tremendous amount of local interest, as Grand Rapid's own native son incumbent Gerald Ford was pitted against Jimmy Carter, a relative outsider nationally. This national interest had the effect of magnifying everyone's interest in elections, and this included Bill as well. He too could run for class president, and in taking a note from the national scene he too could run as an outsider! And so it was, a campaign theme was born. Now back in those days, campaigns generally consisted of hand made posters taped up in the hallways, occasional hand written flyers (there were no printers back then!), and sometimes campaign messages written in chalk on blackboards in between class periods before teachers erased them. Bill's posters contained message's such as "Vote for Bill Cahill, the new kid in town!", and "Vote Bill Cahill, the transfer student who has been around" in order to generate some name recognition. This did have some positive effect as some students unfamiliar to him would provide some encouragement with a "Good luck, Bill" or a "I'll vote for you, Bill". But these were far and few between, and the election was only a few days away. Bill knew he needed to do something much bigger in scope; something that would make his name very well known. But what could he do? He was pondering over this at lunch in the lunch hall/auditorium when the drama club came in and made an announcement reminding everyone to attend their musical /"No No Nanette"/ the following evening. It was at that moment that something clicked in Bill's head, and he came up with the most amazing, brilliant imaginative scheme. He would come up with a way to get his name "up in lights", so to speak, during the musical. After school that very same evening, with paper and paint in hand, Bill snuck back in to the auditorium and put his plan into action. ...... It was opening night for the drama club's first performance of the year. The auditorium was packed with students, parents, and school staff. As is always the case, there were some delays -- issues with costumes, issues with props -- but after 15 minutes the moment arrived. The lights were dimmed. The audience went silent. As the curtains were slowly unfurled to the sides, the musical's name was lowered from the ceiling above the stage. Only there had been a ... shall we say ... "modification". There in large block lettering were the words: NO NO NANETTE YES YES BILL CAHILL Genius! A masterpiece! Certainly this would give him the name recognition he desired. And so it did! Perhaps not in the way he intended. For the school administration was not so amused. In the ensuing aftermath, Bill's posters were removed from the hallways, and though he did attempt to replace them -- /Despite opposition that removes his posters, Bill Cahill will fight the uphill battle! -- /these too were rapidly taken down. The election day arrived, and when the final votes were counted ... under the school administration's watchful eye ... Bill received no votes. Like the Mighty Casey at bat, Bill had struck out. Bill never ran for another office again. I know that as a fact! For this is a completely true story, with only some literary liberty taken to embellish the story. Bill Cahill did indeed run for sophomore class president in 1976 at West Catholic High School. The posters and sign above the drama team's musical did actually occur! What makes his campaign /curious/ is that, being a true story, the truth must be told that there never was a Bill Cahill!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Before I can relate how this could possibly be true, I must provide some background information. Bill Cahill's story is from my past, a memory buried deep in my head. A recent conversation triggered it back so I could write it down. The story originates much further back. My friend John and I first met when we were in first grade, attended the same elementary school for 8 years, followed by 4 years together in high school, and then 4 years together as roommates in college, and unsurprisingly kept in touch and remained friends all these years since then. We were seniors in high school in September 1976 at Catholic Central HS, the rival school to West Catholic HS where Bill's campaign occurred. In the summer of 1977, John introduced me to a band -- literally a Kazoo Band! -- of friends from West Catholic HS, and this group was quite familiar with Bill Cahill's Curious Campaign. Without that connection of friends made so many years ago, and a recent chance connection to tease that memory back, the story would be lost, and never retold. ---------------------------------------------------- So how did Bill Cahill become the Schrödinger's candidate? He both was and wasn't a candidate The truth is that the Bill Cahill campaign is the most stupendous Senior Prank ever put together. Not only were the friends at West Catholic HS familiar with Bill Cahill's story, they were the actual ones who put it together! It all started as an idea to compromise the freshmen class elections, except that freshmen are ... well ... too fresh! But the idea of a transfer student in the sophomore class was the perfect target case. Run a non-existent student as the candidate! And the "YES YES BILL CAHILL" sign is sheer creativity I wish I could have achieved as a youthful prankster. Curious indeed! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ John Belly River This written story of Bill Cahill is dedicated to my friend John, seen here crossing the Belly River in Glacier NP while we were back packing in August 2024. We had started making plans for this year's trip, but a very sudden and very brief illness hit him, and he passed away in February. Thank you John, for I am blessed with 60 years of our shared memories.

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golf humor
by LastBestPlace 14 Apr '25

14 Apr '25

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day when they arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. With the honour, Jesus stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. "That's not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood," Moses said. Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie." Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!" Striking his shot, Jesus put his ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball and teed up again. Moses said, "I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood." "This will be fine - remember what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus said. As he struck his ball, it yet again went into the water. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try. As he was about to hit shot for the third time, a foursome was approaching the tee with one of the golfers shouting, "What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?" "No," replied Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

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Irish humor
by LastBestPlace 18 Mar '25

18 Mar '25

Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son Paddy out for a drink. They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. Paddy didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, Paddy didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.

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snake humor
by LastBestPlace 24 Dec '24

24 Dec '24

So this guy is driving in the desert when his car breaks down. He gets out and began looking for help. He can’t find any and passes out of heat stroke. But he survives and a snake stared him right in the eyes. ‘AHHHHH!!!’ He screamed. ‘Hello’ said the snake ‘My name is Nate and I am a magical snake’. Nate bites the guy and all of a sudden, he feels better. ‘I’m Jack by the way’ he says. They talk for a while until Jack said,’That pole your coiled around looks like a lever.’ ‘It is’ Nate replies. ‘What does it do?’ Jack asked. ‘Destroys humanity’. ‘Come on’ Jack chuckled, ‘what does it actually do?’ ‘I’m not lying, it does destroy humanity. This place used to be the Garden of Eden and God placed it here incase the human race fell outta whack.’ Nate replied Jack stayed for a while longer but eventually he asks Nate where the nearest town is. Nate directed Jack to the town and he found a tow truck to tow back his broken car. A few weeks later Jack decides to go visit Nate. As he drove over the final sand dune he realised he was heading directly towards the lever that destroys humanity. He tries to turn but there isn’t enough traction. He guesses that if he veers enough, he might just be able to avoid hitting the lever. He veers left as hard as he can but soon realises that Nate is lying there. There isn’t enough time to turn the other way so he runs over Nate. As he runs over Nate, he exclaims ‘BETTER NATE THEN LEVER’

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kite humor
by LastBestPlace 15 Dec '24

15 Dec '24

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

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math humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Nov '24

23 Nov '24

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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grocery humor
by LastBestPlace 23 Nov '24

23 Nov '24

A new grocery store super-center opened up by my house. It has an automatic water system to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you go to the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mowed hay. When you approach the egg cases, you hear chickens clucking and the air is filled with the scent of bacon, eggs and homemade biscuits cooking. The seafood section has a salt water tang in the air and a sound system playing the gentle splash of waves hitting the beach. The veggie aisle features the smell of freshly roasted, buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

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